A bad day…

Sometimes PAS gets to be too much to take. And I find myself crying at the drop of a hat or when listening to a song on the radio. Its heart wrenching to not have my son in my life. He’s a Marine, and I’m so proud of him. I wonder, does he know he follows very illustrious and famous ancestors? (Presley Neville O’Bannon http://www.usmarinesbirthplace.com/OBANNON.html) That he chose to enter the Marines is in his blood so to speak. I’m convinced he will be brilliant at whatever task assigned to him. I wonder if he would remember the stories I’ve told him of the castle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leap_Castle) that was built by our ancestors? Would he remember it was once the most haunted place in Ireland?

I’m so proud of my daughter too, despite being ostracized by her father, grandmother and her brother for following her heart, she strives to learn how they are and keep in contact. Keeping the doors to reconciliation open. She’s much more forgiving than many would be in her situation. She’s a mother, a wife, and a writer and a very impressive person – she constantly fills me with awe with her insights into human behavior and compassion. I’m grateful too that she keeps me informed about her brother as much as she’s able. Not that its anytime soon, but she will inherit my title in England, which, when given to me by a very dear friend, entitled me to be called Lady Kathy Ritchie of Tattingstone with full hereditary title to my daughter. Yes, I know it means nothing in the US but its still very cool.

I’m frightened for the mental health of my son though. How I wish he could exercise critical thinking and look at things more objectively. But, he was so young with the PAS started, he was helpless to stop it of course. I remember one time in court, his father was berated by the judge and his grandmother was nearly asked to leave for trying to control the proceedings. If I hadn’t been so scared, I might have laughed to see her silenced by someone who wasn’t cowed by her bullying. Unfortunately, that experience I think only made her and my children’s father more determined to ensure my children thought me a frightful parent. Once, when I picked up my children, my son was so scared of me he screamed for the entire time it took to travel from his father’s house to mine. Over 3 hours. Only falling asleep from exhaustion when we were nearly home. I shouldn’t have been driving at the time since I could barely see from the tears I was shedding. It did take some time, but my son eventually got past his fear. That time…

I wish I’d never gotten so ill I’d had to have their father come get them. But as a parent, there is nothing I could have done, they had to be cared for and although I had all the love in the world to offer, I had no job and was too ill to manage one at that time. He promised it would only be until I was better. He didn’t keep his promise.

Now, my children believe I abandoned them. I’m finding its a very common theme among PAS children. For, even after strenuous attempts on my part, my efforts were rebuffed by their father and his mother, they told them I didn’t care about them. So many times I wasn’t allowed to talk to them on the phone, “They aren’t here” I was told, even though I would swear they were in the room – that I could hear them! How could anyone possibly do that to people they supposedly love? That’s not love…

Meanwhile, I scour the internet for any word on my son, or his new wife. I praise God everyday for my wonderful daughter, and the joy now in my life with living with and loving Michael. And I pray everyday my son will come back to me.

It has been over 20 years since PAS started in one form or another.

It has been over 13 years since I’ve been able to see my son.

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The pain of P.A.S.

PAS). There are studies to show what it is, how it happens, and unfortunately, once its to the level of my son, there is very little to do about it until he decides to contact me. He is convinced that I’m a horrible monster, a despicable mother, and the worst excuse for a parent he’s ever seen. He will actively defend those who alienated him from me. The worst part of all of this? There is NO foundation for any of it. If I had been the horrible awful person they portrayed me to be, I could understand their treatment of me. But I wasn’t. I was young, I made mistakes, but I was not alone in them. For too many years I’ve allowed myself to pushed around by people who thought they were better than me. Finally, it took me waking up one day and knowing that I was so depressed I would not have fought to save my life, for any reason. That I wanted it to be done, all of it, the pushing me around, the overwhelming sense that the world was better than me, and that I had no voice, not for any single thought – that I was always wrong. I deserved more than to be in constant emotional pain every day. I had to make changes. I had to fight for my life. I did deserve better. Since I ‘woke up’ that day, I left an oppressive and abusive marriage of 15 years (to be fair, he never hit me, but there are more kinds of abuse than just physical, and he did all of those) and moved to Sterling, CO, the small town where my twin sister, mom and dad live. Moving saved my life. I saved my life. Sterling opened its doors to me and made me welcome, and helped me come back to myself. While in Sterling, I met Michael. Michael is an amazing man, who appreciates me – which let me tell you, is NOT something I was familiar with. Perhaps because he’s had his own nightmares, he can better understand and appreciate me as a person and accept me for who and what I am. I know that’s certainly true for me. He’s an intelligent, loving, truly incredible man and I’m so honored we found each other. We now live in beautiful Colorado Springs, and have a really nice home, and a fun and loving life together. Finally, this is life. As for my children, I’m grateful my daughter is in my life, that she wants me to be part of hers. I pray every day that my son wants to have me in his life as well. Meanwhile, I’ll never give up on him. I will always love him and try to reach out to him. For any of you who are going through Parental Alienation Syndrome, you are not alone. Some research can be found here. There are some good books available for both adult children of Parental Alienation Syndrome, and for the parents who were alienated. PAS has not only been a constant source of daily pain for me, but for my parents and my siblings as well. We have all been denied knowing my children. We’re grateful my daughter wants to be a part of our lives. But they feel the loss of my son nearly as much as I do. For my amazing daughter. May you read this and NOT feel that I’m judging you. This is not about our current relationship – it is about the pain I can no longer deny and will strive to overcome. I love you, and I’m so very proud of you. Remember what else I said, don’t give up on your dad and his mom and your brother. They will come around. You did nothing wrong, you followed your heart and that’s ok. They are missing out on knowing you, and your children, but remember, they made this decision to not share your life with you. Don’t give up on them, the same way I never gave up on you. I celebrate you every day. If anyone wants to talk about PAS, your stories, or pain, let me know. Email me and we’ll chat. Above all else though… DON’T GIVE UP!]]>