A bad day…

Sometimes PAS gets to be too much to take. And I find myself crying at the drop of a hat or when listening to a song on the radio. Its heart wrenching to not have my son in my life. He’s a Marine, and I’m so proud of him. I wonder, does he know he follows very illustrious and famous ancestors? (Presley Neville O’Bannon http://www.usmarinesbirthplace.com/OBANNON.html) That he chose to enter the Marines is in his blood so to speak. I’m convinced he will be brilliant at whatever task assigned to him. I wonder if he would remember the stories I’ve told him of the castle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leap_Castle) that was built by our ancestors? Would he remember it was once the most haunted place in Ireland?

I’m so proud of my daughter too, despite being ostracized by her father, grandmother and her brother for following her heart, she strives to learn how they are and keep in contact. Keeping the doors to reconciliation open. She’s much more forgiving than many would be in her situation. She’s a mother, a wife, and a writer and a very impressive person – she constantly fills me with awe with her insights into human behavior and compassion. I’m grateful too that she keeps me informed about her brother as much as she’s able. Not that its anytime soon, but she will inherit my title in England, which, when given to me by a very dear friend, entitled me to be called Lady Kathy Ritchie of Tattingstone with full hereditary title to my daughter. Yes, I know it means nothing in the US but its still very cool.

I’m frightened for the mental health of my son though. How I wish he could exercise critical thinking and look at things more objectively. But, he was so young with the PAS started, he was helpless to stop it of course. I remember one time in court, his father was berated by the judge and his grandmother was nearly asked to leave for trying to control the proceedings. If I hadn’t been so scared, I might have laughed to see her silenced by someone who wasn’t cowed by her bullying. Unfortunately, that experience I think only made her and my children’s father more determined to ensure my children thought me a frightful parent. Once, when I picked up my children, my son was so scared of me he screamed for the entire time it took to travel from his father’s house to mine. Over 3 hours. Only falling asleep from exhaustion when we were nearly home. I shouldn’t have been driving at the time since I could barely see from the tears I was shedding. It did take some time, but my son eventually got past his fear. That time…

I wish I’d never gotten so ill I’d had to have their father come get them. But as a parent, there is nothing I could have done, they had to be cared for and although I had all the love in the world to offer, I had no job and was too ill to manage one at that time. He promised it would only be until I was better. He didn’t keep his promise.

Now, my children believe I abandoned them. I’m finding its a very common theme among PAS children. For, even after strenuous attempts on my part, my efforts were rebuffed by their father and his mother, they told them I didn’t care about them. So many times I wasn’t allowed to talk to them on the phone, “They aren’t here” I was told, even though I would swear they were in the room – that I could hear them! How could anyone possibly do that to people they supposedly love? That’s not love…

Meanwhile, I scour the internet for any word on my son, or his new wife. I praise God everyday for my wonderful daughter, and the joy now in my life with living with and loving Michael. And I pray everyday my son will come back to me.

It has been over 20 years since PAS started in one form or another.

It has been over 13 years since I’ve been able to see my son.


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